Section 4: Miscellaneous Writing
In this section, please find two papers I completed for Writing: Theory & Practice this past semester. This papers are intended to serve as ''mentor texts'' for teaching Persuasive and Expository writing to 7th and 9-10th graders, respectively.
Prompt: Choose a topic (to be approved by me) that you want to know more about. Research your topic, and present your findings in an expository essay using your choice of structure. Be sure that your essay is clear and concise, and presents your topic using precise word choice, specific details, and a logical progression of ideas. Assume that your audience knows nothing about your topic. Examples of possible topics include: an instructional guide for building a birdhouse, explaining the causes and effects of global warming, comparing and contrasting two car manufacturers, etc.
Prompt: Choose an argument (to be approved by me) that you feel strongly about, then research the argument and write a thesis statement that explains your position on the argument. Argue your position in a clear and concise essay that persuades people to think or act differently than they currently do, by using strong evidence with supporting details, recognition of counterarguments, and a call to action. Be sure to present appeals to logos, pathos, and ethos, and assume your audience actively disagrees with the claim you are arguing. Examples of possible topics include: arguing for a later school start time, arguing against keeping animals in zoos, arguing for or against GMOs in foods, etc.
Thin-Crust Pizza is Better Than Deep-Dish
By: Jim Nagle
Thin-crust pizza is in a different class than deep-dish pizza. While thin-crust just graduated from Harvard, deep-dish is still learning the alphabet. This may seem like an insignificant debate to the casual pizza fan, because pizza appears to be a cheap, simple dish with only three ingredients-- dough, sauce, and cheese. To the true pizza fan however, there is no debate; thin-crust pizza is a delicacy, and deep-dish simply can’t compare. Accordingly, it is deeplyimportant that those who don’t know or care about pizza styles learn that thin-crust pizza is better than deep-dish. Thin-crust is lighter and crispier than deep-dish. This allows thin-crust fans to either eat more pizza in a sitting, or feel less full and bloated after eating only a single slice. Thin-crust pizza can be eaten by hand, while deep-dish is often eaten with a knife and fork which is inconvenient. Finally, compared to the original pizza invented in Naples, Italy, deep-dish more closely fits the description of a casserole, a French dish. With these reasons in mind, it’s clear that thin-crust pizza is better than deep-dish.
For those watching their calories, thin-crust pizza is a much lighter and smarter choice than deep-dish. To be fair, thin-crust is by no means a healthy meal; however, it’s a much healthier option than deep-dish pizza. One slice of thin-crust, compared to one slice of deep-dish, is lighter and less filling. This allows consumers to either consume more pizza before becoming full, or feel less full and bloated from eating a single slice. Additionally, a single slice of deep-dish is often more filling than a single slice of thin-crust pizza because it has more bread and cheese. Because limiting carbohydrates is associated with weight loss and improved heart health, deep-dish pizza fans may need to worry about how their favorite pizza can affect their health. In her 2016 article for Health magazine, “The Last Diet You’ll Ever Need,” Ginny Graves cites a study found in The New England Journal of Medicine that compared low-carb diets to other types of diets. The study found that participants on the low-carb diet “not only lost the most weight but also had the most favorable changes in heart-disease related factors” (40). For those looking to limit how many carbohydrates they eat, thin-crust pizza can be a lighter and healthier option. Thin-crust pizza fans can enjoy a delicious meal without worrying about its harmful effects on their health.
However, deep-dish pizza fans may actually argue that it is superior to thin-crust because it is more filling. Because deep-dish contains more ingredients and has a larger crust than thin-crust, it’s fans can eat more pizza per slice. Some pizza fans may very well find eating more pizza per slice highly appealing. But this is not always the case. As explained above however, while deep-dish is more filling than thin-crust, it is also less healthful. Unfortunately for fans of deep-dish, it is a more calorie-rich pizza. Deep-dish fans that are concerned about their overall health but don’t want to give up pizza may want to consider switching to thin-crust.
Further, deep-dish pizza lacks the delicious, crispy, crust of it’s thinner cousin. As a result, deep-dish is difficult to eat by hand. Deep-dish pizza is often eaten with a knife and fork; it is possible to eat a slice of deep-dish by hand, but doing so would be messy and inconvenient. Those who choose to eat thin-crust pizza can enjoy their meal on-the-go, and conveniently perform a variety of tasks while eating a slice. For example, thin-crust pizza fans can drive a car with one hand while holding a slice of thin-crust pizza in the other. Deep-dish fans cannot do this because they need to hold a knife in one hand and a fork in the other to eat their meal. Also, thin-crust pizza fans can type on a laptop, to write an essay arguing the merits of thin-crust pizza over deep-dish. Sadly, with a knife in one hand and a fork in the other, deep-dish fans will have no free hands with which to write such an essay; attempting to do so may result in a laptop covered in pizza sauce and cheese. Invariably, the laptop will break because it is covered in sauce and cheese, and the deep-dish pizza fan would have no essay to turn in to his or her teacher. If writers who are fans of deep-dish like to eat and write at the same time, they may want to consider trying thin-crust.
Due to the physical structure of deep-dish, as well as the need to eat the meal with a knife and fork, deep-dish is actually more similar to a casserole than a pizza. A casserole is a dish of French origin generally consisting of meat, sauce, bread, and cheese, served in a deep pan. Pizza meanwhile, is a dish which originated in Naples, Italy during the 18thcentury. The original pizza, first served in Naples, was a flattened disc of dough topped with sauce, cheese, and sometimes meat and other toppings (Turim 2012). Clearly, deep-dish pizza does not fit the description of the original pizza; instead, deep-dish more closely matches the description of a casserole. Thin-crust pizza on the other hand, does fit the description of the original pizza; it is a flattened disc of dough topped with sauce, cheese, and other toppings. As a result, referring to deep-dish pizza as a casserole instead of a pizza may be more accurate, per pizza’s origins.
In summary, thin-crust pizza is better than deep-dish pizza for a variety of reasons that the average fan may not be aware of. Thin-crust pizza is lighter and healthier than deep-dish, and is considerably more convenient to eat than deep-dish. Further, upon learning of pizza’s origins in Naples, Italy, it becomes clear that deep-dish is more structurally similar to casserole, a French dish. Although some may argue that deep-dish offers more ingredients than thin-crust pizza, and is better, the health risks of consuming such a high-carbohydrate meal outweigh having a larger slice. While the casual fan of pizza may not be aware of the raging debate between thin-crust style pizza and deep-dish, it is deeply important that they are informed on this issue; otherwise, he or she may come to the incorrect conclusion that deep-dish is superior to thin-crust style pizza. Additionally, per the reasons outlined above, deep-dish pizza fans may want to consider making the switch to thin-crust.
Works Cited
Graves, G. (2016). The Last Diet You’ll Ever Need. Health, 30(2), 35-40.
Turim, G. (2012, July 27). A Slice of History: Pizza Through the Ages. Retrieved from history.com
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Thesis
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Evidence
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Supporting Details
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Counterarguments
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Call to Action
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Appeals
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MUGS
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Submission Notes:
Teaching Point 1
a. Because the topic of this essay was already very specific— thin-crust pizza is better than deep-dish, I did not revise my topic.
b. Original Thesis: “Therefore, per the reasons listed above, thin-crust style pizza is superior to deep-dish.”
Revised Thesis: With these reasons in mind, it’s clear that thin-crust pizza is better than deep-dish.
I felt that my original thesis was a bit overly wordy and used language that may be too complex for 6th-8thgraders, so I revised the thesis as such.
c. At various points throughout my essay, I revised words and phrases that may be too complex for 6th-8thgraders. For example, I revised “pizza consumer” or “pizza aficionado” to “pizza fan” throughout my essay.
d. I revised my opening following Tom Romano’s five lede styles. I used style four, Lede that makes a blunt statement then charges forward defending it. Per Writing on Demand, I tried to state my topic, convey an attitude, and forecast where my writing will go in the first sentence of my alternate opening. I kept much of the alternate opening written in the Writer’s Notebook.
e. I moved my counterargument ahead of my two main points. I did this because I felt that my counterargument makes more logical sense, in terms of progression of the argument, after the first paragraph.
f. 8 Items of Style
i. Simple: “Thin-crust pizza is in a different class than deep-dish pizza.”
I would use this mentor sentence to teach the structure of a simple sentence— One clause, with a subject and predicate.
Compound: “To be fair, thin-crust is by no means a healthy meal; however, it’s a much healthier option than deep-dish pizza.”
I would use this mentor sentence to teach the structure of a compound sentence—two independent clauses linked by a coordinating conjunction or semicolon.
Complex: “For those watching their calories, thin-crust pizza is a much lighter and smarter choice than deep-dish.”
I would use this mentor sentence to teach the structure of a complex sentence— an independent and dependent clause linked together.
Compound-Complex: “Sadly, with a knife in one hand and a fork in the other, deep-dish fans will have no free hands with which to write such an essay; attempting to do so may result in a laptop covered in pizza sauce and cheese.”
I would use this mentor sentence to teach the structure of a compound-complex sentence—two or more independent clauses linked with a coordinating conjunction or semicolon, and one or more dependent clauses.
ii. “Thin-crust pizza consumers can enjoy a delicious meal without worrying about said meal’s negative effects on their health.”
“Thin-crust pizza fans can enjoy a delicious meal without worrying about its harmful effects on their health.”
I would use this sentence revision to teach diction, by explaining how switching negative to harmful clarifies the point of the sentence better—deep dish pizza can harm health. Fan may be more grade appropriate than consumer.
iii. “Within the world of pizza aficionados, a heated debate has been raging for decades. Said debate concerns the merits of thin-crust, or New York style, pizza versus deep-dish, or Chicago style, pizza.”
“Thin-crust pizza is in a different class than deep-dish pizza. While thin-crust just graduated from Harvard, deep-dish is still learning the alphabet.”
I would use my revised opening sentence to teach writer’s voice. I would ask my students to compare and contrast each opening, and explain how the tone differs. I would then ask them which opening is more effective.
iv. I didn’t necessarily make any coherence revisions from my last version of this essay. I kept the same order of my main points, but I moved my counterargument up behind my first body paragraph. I did this because the counterargument attempts to refute the point argued in the body paragraph, and is then rebutted. I would use this to teach coherence in terms of ordering paragraphs logically to progress an argument
v. “Ultimately, for the reasons outlined above, thin-crust pizza style pizza is superior to deep-dish style.”
“In summary, thin-crust pizza is better than deep-dish pizza for a variety of reasons that the average fan may not be aware of.”
I would use this revision to the first sentence of my concluding paragraph to teach revisions. I would explain that “In summary” is more effective at signaling to the audience that you are concluding the essay than “ultimately.”
vi. Repeating: “Clearly, deep-dish pizza does not fit the description of the original pizza; instead, deep-dish more closely matches the description of a casserole. Thin-crust pizza on the other hand, does fit the description of the original pizza; it is a flattened disc of dough topped with sauce, cheese, and other toppings.”
In these two mentor sentences, I repeat the compound-complex sentence structure to achieve cohesion.
Re-naming: “Because deep-dish contains more ingredients and has a larger crust than thin-crust, it’s fans can eat more pizza per slice.”
Here, I rename “deep-dish” in the first clause with the synonym “pizza” in the second clause to create cohesion.
Referencing: “Further, deep-dish pizza lacks the delicious, crispy, crust of it’s thinner cousin.”
In this mentor sentence, I reference “deep-dish” with the pronoun “it” to create cohesion.
Shortening: “Because deep-dish contains more ingredients and has a larger crust than thin-crust, it’s fans can eat more pizza per slice. Some pizza fans may very well find eating more pizza per slice highly appealing. But this is not always the case.”
In these mentor sentences, I use the verbal ellipsis “But this is not always the case.” to create cohesion.
vii. “Ultimately, for the reasons outlined above, thin-crust pizza style pizza is superior to deep-dish style.”
“In summary, thin-crust pizza is better than deep-dish pizza for a variety of reasons that the average fan may not be aware of.”
I would use this revision to teach fluency. The initial sentence does not flow as well as the second, because it is overly wordy and has too many stops.
viii. “it is deeply important that they are informed on this issue, lest they come to the incorrect conclusion that deep-dish is superior to thin-crust style pizza. “
“it is deeply important that they are informed on this issue; otherwise, he or she may come to the incorrect conclusion that deep-dish is superior to thin-crust style pizza.”
I would use this mentor sentence revision to teach punctuation that changes meaning. Using a semicolon and the conjunctive adverb “otherwise” changes the meaning of the second independent clause.
Mechanics Revision: Revise using italics for emphasis
“It is deeply important that those who are uninformed regarding the hierarchy of pizza styles learn that thin-crust pizza is superior to deep-dish.”
“Accordingly, it is deeplyimportant that those who don’t know or care about pizza styles learn that thin-crust pizza is better than deep-dish.”
Usage Revision: “Additionally, a single slice of deep-dish is often more filling than a single slice of thin-crust pizza because it has more bread and cheese.”
I did not edit any usage mistakes in my paper, but I would use this mentor sentence as an example of how and when to use a coordinating conjunction to link two independent clauses.
Grammar Revision: “Clearly, deep-dish pizza does not fit the description of the original pizza, instead, deep-dish more closely matches the description of a casserole.”
“Clearly, deep-dish pizza does not fit the description of the original pizza; instead, deep-dish more closely matches the description of a casserole.”
I did not actually comma splice in my essay, but I would show students the first sentence as an example of a comma splice, and the second sentence as an example of how to edit a comma splice.
Spelling Revision: “Thin-crust pizza fans can enjoy a delicious meal without worrying about its harmful affects on their health.”
“Thin-crust pizza fans can enjoy a delicious meal without worrying about its harmful effects on their health.”
I would use this mentor sentence as an example of how to use affect vs. effect, to teach spelling editing.
Teaching Point 2a:
Yes, this piece can be written in response to the prompt. This piece chooses an argument I feel strongly about, and attempts to convince a “tricky” audience to think or act differently than they currently do. The prompt clearly states that this is an argumentative piece, and requires students to use all of the essential elements of an argumentative essay— thesis, evidence, supporting details, counterarguments, call to action, classic appeals.
Teaching Point 2b:
Yes, the rubric assesses every task requirement detailed in the prompt. Each task requirement is pulled from the state standards for producing argumentative writing. This rubric is an analytic without descriptors. This rubric does not have descriptors for each level of criteria, and does not assess students holistically.
Teaching Point 3:
Language: L.7.3- Students will be able use knowledge of language and its conventions when writing, speaking, reading, or listening, by choosing language that expresses ideas precisely and concisely, recognizing and eliminating wordiness and redundancy.
My rubric assess students on their use of MUGS. Eliminating wordiness and redundancy are components of effective MUGS usage. My prompt asks students to write clearly and concisely, and I made several edits to my essay to achieve clarity and concision.
Writing: W.7.1- Students will be able to write arguments to support claims by using clear reasons and relevant evidence.
My rubric assesses students on all task requirements of the argumentation genre. All task requirements are included in the prompt and essay.
I believe my mentor essay can be used to reach all types of learners. I tried to write my mentor essay on a topic appropriate to the 6th-8thgrade band, and revised my language to be grade-band appropriate.
How Human Emissions and Activity Cause Global Warming
By: Jim Nagle
Climate change has many dangerous effects on the planet, such as global warming: an urgently pressing environmental issue that will affect all citizens of the world. As such, it is crucially important for everyone to know and understand the causes of global warming, so that society can work together to curb its dangerous effects and protect the environment for future generations. The scientific community agrees that global warming is an environmental reality. They also agree that human activity is one of the primary causes of global warming. Global warming is caused primarily by human activities such as burning fossil fuels, releasing particulates, cutting down trees, burning holes in the ozone, and more. (Hausfather 2017). By understanding the cause and effect relationship between human activity and global warming, it will be possible for society to work together to protect the environment.
Many human activities produce large amounts of carbon dioxide gas (CO2), methane gas (CH4), and nitrous oxide (NO2). These gases are commonly referred to as “greenhouse gases,” because they become trapped in the atmosphere and absorb and emit energy; this is known as the “greenhouse effect.” At normal levels the greenhouse effect is helpful, as it prevents Earth’s surface from becoming too cold; the greenhouse gases take in and release energy that warms Earth’s surface. However, this has not been the case. Environmental scientists have observed that, since the beginning of the Industrial Revolution, human activities have caused steadily increasing levels of greenhouse gases in Earth’s atmosphere, particularly CO2 gas. According to Zeke Hausfather of CarbonBrief, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change stated in 2013 that “there was between a 95% and 100% probability that more than half of modern warming was due to humans” (2017).Human activities that cause global warming include, but are not limited to, burning fossil fuels, releasing particulates, cutting down trees, burning holes in the ozone, and more.
At the elevated levels that environmental scientists have observed since the start of the Industrial Revolution, greenhouse gases can produce a runaway greenhouse effect that can harm the environment. This runaway greenhouse effect is known as global warming, and it is one of the many effects of climate change. Human activity has caused the production of greater amounts of greenhouse gases. Excess greenhouse gas has become trapped in the atmosphere, and absorbs and emits greater amounts of energy. This excess energy heats Earth’s surface by increasing the planet’s average temperature by an unsafe degree. Earth has already seen some of the dangerous effects of global warming, such as the melting of polar ice caps, rising sea levels, and wildly changing weather and climate patterns. As human activities produce more greenhouse gases, the planet will see even more dangerous effects.
Possible steps human society can take to curb the dangerous effects of global warming include, but are not limited to, reducing carbon emissions by ending of fossil fuel burning, relying more heavily on clean energy sources such as wind, solar power, and hydropower, passing laws to prevent cutting down trees, and more. For example, by relying more heavily on solar or wind power, as opposed to coal, society would be able to reduce the amount of CO2 gas released by the burning of coal and other fossil fuels. Further, by passing laws that severely restrict cutting down trees, and taking steps to plant and protect more trees, society would be able to reduce the levels of CO2 gas produced by cutting down trees and balance the levels of CO2 gas already present in the atmosphere through increased levels of oxygen gas produced by trees. At the micro level, private citizens can reduce their carbon footprint through activities such as using energy-efficient appliances, powering homes with renewable energy, driving fuel-efficient cars, and reducing water use (Denchak 2017). If private citizens make environmentally-friendly decisions, and public officials pass environmentally-friendly laws, reducing the dangerous effects of global warming should be possible.
To sum up, global warming is one of the many dangerous effects of climate change; it is critically important for everyone to understand the cause and effect relationship between human activities and global warming. Global warming is one of the most pressing environmental issues that society currently faces, and has been accepted by the scientific community as fact. Everyone will be affected by global warming, regardless of socioeconomic status. Society must work together to curb the dangerous effects of global warming, but the public can only do this by understanding the causes of the issue. With the understanding that human activities produce an excess of greenhouse gas, which causes the greenhouse effect that contributes to global warming, humanity can regulate the activities that produce an excess of greenhouse gas. In doing so, humanity can hopefully better protect the environment, and ensure a better future for the next generation.
Works Cited
Hausfather, Z. (2017, December 13). Analysis: Why scientists think 100% of global warming is due to humans. Retrieved from carbonbrief.org
Denchak, M. (2017, July 17). How You Can Stop Global Warming. Retrieved from nrdc.org
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Research
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No evidence of research
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Moderate evidence of research
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Excellent evidence of thorough research
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Structure
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Expository structure is not clear
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Attempts to write according to expository structure, structure is somewhat clear
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Expository structure is moderately clear
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Expository structure is clear
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Clarity & Concision
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Writing is not clear, and overly word
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Writing is somewhat clear and concise
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Writing is moderately clear and concise
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Writing is clear and concise
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Specific Detail
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Does not describe the topic in adequate detail
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Somewhat describes topic in detail
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Moderately describes topic in detail
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Thoroughly describes topic with excellent detail
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Progression
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Ideas progress somewhat logically
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Ideas progress moderately logically
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Excellent logical progression of ideas
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Multiple MUGS errors that significantly affect meaning
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Some MUGS errors that moderately affect meaning
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Some MUGS errors that do not affect meaning
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Few if any MUGS errors that do not affect meaning.
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Submission Notes
Teaching Point 1:
a. My topic did not change much across revisions. However, I added information about how private citizens and public officials can prevent global warming to broaden my topic and add a solution to the cause/effect paradigm.
b. “Only by understanding the cause and effect relationship between human activity and global warming will it be possible for society to work together to protect the environment.”
“By understanding the cause and effect relationship between human activity and global warming, it will be possible for society to work together to protect the environment.”
I used “only” incorrectly in my original thesis, and revised my thesis for clarity.
c. “The scientific consensus agrees that global warming is an environmental reality. It also agrees that human activity is one of the primary causes of global warming.”
“The scientific community agrees that global warming is an environmental reality. It also agrees that human activity is one of the primary causes of global warming.”
“the combustion of fossil fuels, particulate emissions, deforestation, ozone depletion, and more”
“burning fossil fuels, releasing particulates, cutting down trees, burning holes in the ozone, and more”
Throughout my essay, I revised my language to be easier to understand for 9th-10thgraders.
d. “Global warming, one of the main harmful effects of climate change, is an urgently pressing issue that will affect all citizens of the world, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, or religion.”
“Climate change has many harmful effects on the planet, such as global warming: an urgently pressing environmental issue that will affect all citizens of the world.”
At the beginning of my essay, I changed “regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, or religion” to “all citizens of the world.”
At the end of my essay, I changed “regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, or religion” to “regardless of socioeconomic status.
e. I did not need to make revisions with arrangement, although I did add my final body paragraph after writing my initial rough draft of this essay back in February. I considered switching the order of my first and second body paragraphs, but decided against doing so.
f. Effective Style:
i. Simple:
“The scientific consensus agrees that global warming is an environmental reality. It also agrees that human activity is one of the primary causes of global warming.”
I would use this mentor sentence to teach the structure of a simple sentence—one independent clause w/subject and predicate.
Compound:
“This runaway greenhouse effect is known as global warming, and it is one of the many effects of climate change.”
I would use this mentor sentence to teach the structure of a compound sentence two independent clauses linked by a coordinating conjunction or semicolon.
Complex:
“This excess energy warms Earth’s surface by increasing the planet’s average temperature by an unsafe degree.”
I would use this mentor sentence to teach the structure of a complex sentence— an independent and dependent clause linked together.
Compound/Complex:
“At normal levels the greenhouse effect is helpful, as it prevents Earth’s surface from becoming too cold; the greenhouse gases take in and release energy that warms Earth’s surface.”
I would use this mentor sentence to teach the structure of a compound-complex sentence—two or more independent clauses linked with a coordinating conjunction or semicolon, and one or more dependent clauses.
ii. “Climate change has many harmful effects on the planet”
“Climate change has many dangerous effects on the planet”
Throughout my essay, I changed “harmful effects” to “dangerous effects.” I did so because “dangerous” clarifies my meaning, global warming is dangerous to society, better than “harmful.” I would use these revisions to teach diction.
iii. Throughout my essay, I revised my tone to be less political. This includes changing phrases such as “regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, or religion,” and removing references to the current political administration. In my rough draft written in February, I wrote about the dangerous information being spread by the current political administration, such as “global warming is a hoax.” I would use these revisions to teach how a writer’s voice can affect the tone of an essay.
iv. I did not make any significant coherence revisions from the last portfolio conference to this one, as I felt that my ideas were arranged in a logical order. I did consider switching the order of my first and second body paragraphs, but decided against doing so. I would use this essay to teach my students coherence.
v. “Global warming is one of the many dangerous effects of climate change; it is critically important for everyone to understand the cause and effect relationship between human activities and global warming.”
“To sum up, global warming is one of the many dangerous effects of climate change; it is critically important for everyone to understand the cause and effect relationship between human activities and global warming.”
I revised this mentor sentence to add the transitional phrase “to sum up.” I would use this mentor sentence to teach how and when to use transitional phrases.
vi. Repeating: “The scientific community agrees that global warming is an environmental reality. It also agrees that human activity is one of the primary causes of global warming.”
In these mentor sentences, I repeat the simple sentence structure to create cohesion.
Renaming: “Society must work together to curb the dangerous effects of global warming, but the public can only do this by understanding the causes of the issue.”
Here I create cohesion by renaming “society” with the synonym “the public.”
Referencing: “The scientific community agrees that global warming is an environmental reality. They also agree that human activity is one of the primary causes of global warming.”
In these mentor sentences, I create cohesion by referencing “The scientific community” with the pronoun “they.”
Shortening: “At normal levels the greenhouse effect is helpful, as it prevents Earth’s surface from becoming too cold; the greenhouse gases take in and release energy that warms Earth’s surface. However, this has not been the case.”
Here, I create cohesion using the verbal ellipsis “However, this has not been the case.”
vii. I revised for fluency by varying the length and structure of my sentences, per the sentence structure revisions.
viii. “These gases are commonly referred to as “greenhouse gases,” because they become trapped in the atmosphere and absorb and emit energy, this is known as the “greenhouse effect.”
“These gases are commonly referred to as “greenhouse gases,” because they become trapped in the atmosphere and absorb and emit energy; this is known as the “greenhouse effect.”
Mechanics Revision: Incorrect use of dash when semicolon is necessary
“At normal levels the greenhouse effect is beneficial, as it prevents Earth’s surface from becoming too cold- the greenhouse gases absorb and emit energy that warms Earth’s surface.”
“At normal levels the greenhouse effect is beneficial, as it prevents Earth’s surface from becoming too cold; the greenhouse gases absorb and emit energy that warms Earth’s surface.”
I would use this mentor sentence edit to teach mechanics revision, by correcting a mistakenly used dash.
Usage Revision: Incorrect use of colon.
“Global warming is caused primarily by human activities such as: burning fossil fuels, releasing particulates, cutting down trees, burning holes in the ozone, and more.
“Global warming is caused primarily by human activities such as burning fossil fuels, releasing particulates, cutting down trees, burning holes in the ozone, and more.”
Grammar Revision: Correct comma splice
“Human activity has caused the production of greater amounts of greenhouse gases, this excess greenhouse gas has become trapped in the atmosphere and absorbs and emits greater amounts of energy.”
“Human activity has caused the production of greater amounts of greenhouse gases. Excess greenhouse gas has become trapped in the atmosphere, and absorbs and emits greater amounts of energy.”
I did not actually comma splice, but I would use these mentor sentences to teach students how to edit a comma splice.
Spelling Revisions: Incorrect Homonym Use, Affect v. Effect
“Possible steps human society can take in order to curb the harmful affects of global warming include, but are not limited to: reducing carbon emissions through the cessation of fossil fuel combustion, relying more heavily on clean energy sources such as wind, solar power, and hydropower, passing legislation to reduce deforestation, and more.
“Possible steps human society can take to curb the harmful effects of global warming include, but are not limited to: reducing carbon emissions through the cessation of fossil fuel combustion, relying more heavily on clean energy sources such as wind, solar power, and hydropower, passing legislation to reduce deforestation, and more.”
I would use this mentor sentence revision to teach students how to edit for spelling, by correcting an affect vs. effect mistake.
Teaching Point 2a:
Yes. In this piece, I researched a topic and presented my findings in a cause and effect structure. My piece is clear and concise and presents the topic using precise word choice, specific details, and a logical progression of ideas. I wrote my piece for an audience that knows nothing about my topic. My prompt clearly states that this is an expository piece that is intended to inform an audience that knows nothing about a given topic. Task requirements include all of the essential elements of expository writing.
Teaching Point 2b:
Yes, this rubric assesses students on all of the essential elements of expository writing. The task requirements are pulled from the state standards for expository writing. This rubric is an analytic rubric with descriptors. Brief descriptors are provided that explain each level of each criteria.
Teaching Point 3:
Language: L.9-10.2- Students will be able to demonstrate command of the conventions of standard English when writing by capitalizing, punctuating, and spelling correctly.
My rubric assesses students on their use of MUGS. Capitalizing, punctuating, and spelling correctly are all essential elements of effective MUGS usage. I planted teaching ideas throughout the essay, in the form of revisions for punctuation and spelling.
Writing: W.9-10.2- Students will be able to write informative/explanatory texts to examine and convey complex ideas, concepts, and information clearly and accurately by effectively selecting, organizing, and analyzing content.
My rubric assesses students on all task requirements of the exposition genre, which are included in the prompt and essay as well.
I believe that my essay can be used to reach all types of learners. My essay is appropriate to its intended grade band, and uses all essential elements of the exposition genre. My essay can also be used to teach revisions for style, and editing for MUGS.
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